Gooberzilla's Greatest Blog EVER!

The End of Blogger.

2007-02-22T09:13:00.000-05:00

Well, Blogger finally pushed me too. They forced me to upgrade to their new services, even though I didn't want to, especially after hearing about the nightmarish experiences of the crew over at AnimeWorldOrder. So I've migrated the blog to WordPress, which can now be accessed automatically via: http://www.fearthegooberzilla.com.

This blog will no longer be updated. Please change your links, and thank you for supporting the Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast.

Ultra-realistic / Too Comic-Booky?

2007-02-05T22:01:00.000-05:00

Due to the incredible pressure brought to bear by "Hollywood" Hunting, The Punisher (2004) is simply a Movie, with no judgement or label attached.

(But it doesn't have Dolph Lundgren in it. Draw your own conclusions.)
10 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

John Travolta as Howard Saint.
Not a very convincing villain; perhaps it's his fashion sense.

10 Minutes, 44 Seconds In:

Harry Heck. He's walking the line of a ring of fire, because he hurt himself today after shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die.

12 Minutes, 50 Seconds In:

Rebecca Romjin.
Best in roles where she a.) does not talk and b.) karates Wolverine in the face.

13 Minutes, 52 Seconds In:

Ben Foster as Dave. They torture the hell out of him.

But they leave this guy alone?

COMING SOON!

Step off, Priss Asagiri!

Gee Willickers, Snoop Dogg!

2007-01-30T10:02:00.000-05:00

Master of the Flying Guillotine is the Greatest Movie EVER. If you don't believe me, just ask Snoop Dogg.

3 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

Jimmy Wang Yu.
If you see him make this expression, chances are you've got on his bad side.

6 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

The Master of the Flying Guillotine, in his ultra-subtle disguise as a Nazi monk.

9 Minutes, 12 Seconds In:

The Muy Thai Master. Tony Jaa he is not.

13 Minutes, 32 Seconds In:

The Yoga Master, and his pet owl, Hootie.

19 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

"Duuuuuh? Bamboo dull axe?"

IN CONCLUSION!

Snoop Dogg - much like the Almighty Gooberzilla - has impeccable taste in film.

Caturday!?!

2007-01-25T11:51:00.000-05:00

Despite featuring Halle Berry in skin-tight leather, Catwoman is the Worst Movie EVER.

7 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

What the Internet is actually used for...

10 Minutes, 35 Seconds In:

Benjamin Bratt. He's handsome, but he's no Mark Dacascos.

11 Minutes, 12 Seconds In:

Sharon Stone plays a washed-up, alcoholic model whose beauty is fading and whose glory days are long since past.
I wonder if you'd call this method-acting?
ZING!

The many faces of Halle Berry:

Cute.

Slimey, but still cute.

Sassy.

On ur rooftops, stealin' ur laundryz.

God Bless Uwe Boll

2007-01-17T11:21:00.000-05:00

It doesn't take a rocket-scientist to realize that BloodRayne is the Worst Movie EVER. And yet, I think the entire world should watch it. Everyone must know my pain.

On a side note, if it sounds like my voice is being strained through the guts of a cybernetic monkey, that's because I had one of the quality settings incorrect when I recorded this. I apologize in advance.

2 Minutes, 57 Seconds In:

Kristanna Loken. She's a cutie.

3 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:

Sir Ben Kingsley in another outrageous wig.
This is the only expression he uses in the entire film.

5 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:

Michael Madsen does not know how to swing a sword.

5 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

Damostir, Kagan's chief thrall. I dig his punk-rock haircut.

9 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:

MEATLOAF!!! OH SNAP!

CLOSING THOUGHT!
For all those that are not yet convinced
that this movie was made under the influence of intoxicating substances:

Purple haze / up in my brain!

COMING SOON!

This photo makes me think naughty things.

More Dino Propaganda - Dino Catering!

2007-01-11T15:46:00.000-05:00

Despite its mad, l33t catering skillz, A Sound of Thunder is the Worst Movie EVER.

2 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

Sir Ben Kingsley in a truly horrendous wig. Note also the champagne fountain.

9 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

BABOONASAURUSES! BA-BOON-A-SAURUSES!

10 Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

A city-scape scene in A Sound of Thunder. Note how obviously blue-screened the background is...

12 Minutes, 24 Seconds In:

It's a bad sign when your Allosaurus Ice Sculpture looks better than your Allosaurus. Also, caterers get no love.

COMING SOON!
Next time, assuming no cataclysmic space-time catastrophes interfere and we actually get the bloody show recorded, we hope to take a stab at this:

Stab. Bloody. Get it?

Dino Propaganda - Koopas Ridin' Dirty

2007-01-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

Well, it doesn't really involve time travel, but it does have alternate dimensions. And that's why Super Mario Brothers is the Greatest Movie EVER.

9 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Dennis Hopper as Koopa. That's his real tongue.

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

That's not big hair?

10 Minutes, 39 Seconds In:

Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as the Mario Brothers. Chicks dig the `stache.

11 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

GOOMBA ALERT!

13 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:
It becomes clear that the Almighty Gooberzilla does not know the lingo.

19 Minutes, 50 Seconds In:

Chimps are the epitome of hilarity.

Test Your Might.

2006-12-29T20:56:00.000-05:00

Mortal Kombat is the Greatest Movie EVER. Go out and buy a copy. Heck, buy two: one for you, and one for your Sweet Baboo.

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Yeah, he looks like a Chinese god to me...

7 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

Am I hot?

Or not?

14 Minutes, 47 Seconds In:

Tom Dickens, Ravager of Souls!

19 Minutes, 9 Seconds:

I can think of worse ways to die...

Why Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa deserves an Academy Award:

COMING SOON!
Something involving dinosaurs and time travel, something involving Flying Guillotines, or something involving Uwe Boll. ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Merry Flippin' Christmas!

2006-12-24T10:24:00.000-05:00

Although Mortal Kombat is still Coming Soon, in the mean time (pun-intended) Santa's Slay is the Greatest Movie EVER!

I'm sure everyone can see now how I could get these two movies confused...

1 Minutes, 51 Seconds In:

Goldberg is one Bad Santa.

2 Minutes, 55 Seconds In:

In addition to the Hell Deer, Santa's sleigh also has rocket-boosters.

10 Minutes, 10 Seconds In:

Seriously, don't you see the resemblance?

And with that, we here at the Greatest Movie EVER Podcast wish you Happy Holidays and Feliz Navidad. Until next time, adios amigos!

snakes...Snakes...SNAAAAAAAKES!!!

2006-12-17T13:02:00.000-05:00

Anaconda is the Greatest Movie EVER (involving a Giant Snake).

0 Minutes, 36 Seconds In ~ 5 Minutes, 23 Seconds In:

It's mail-call, yo.

8 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

J-Lo. She's TPBSM. (Too Pretty to Be a Scientist.)

9 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Jon Voight, the Star of this Picture?

11 Minutes, 25 Seconds In:

"I am sooooooooo relaxed."

13 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

The REAL Star of this Picture.

15 Minutes, 52 Seconds In:

Ice Cube is the Baddest Man on the Planet.

COMING SOON!

`Nuff said.

No Love for Nemmy?

2006-12-11T19:02:00.000-05:00

We're (un)dead serious when we say that Resident Evil: Apocalypse is the Worst Movie EVER. I guess our chief criticism is the movie tries to be like the game, and it fails. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if the game wasn't so silly in the first place...

6 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

In think Isaac Newton himself said it was physically impossible to bungee-jump out of a helicopter while dual-wielding Berettas...

7 Minutes, 10 Seconds In:

Milla loves her machine-pistols.

8 Minutes, 42 Seconds In:

The lonely death of Nikolai.

21 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

Nemmy need hug?

COMING SOON!

A huge snake...but NOT also poisonous.

Greg Saves Ancient China

2006-12-05T20:20:00.000-05:00

The Lost Empire aka "The Monkey King" is the Greatest Mini-Series EVER. Don't believe us? Does any other mini-series have...

...Bai Ling as a goddess in disguise?

...Terra cotta warriors?

...Pig-men and humorless monks?

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Saving Throw vs. Eighties Pop Culture...failed.

15 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

OH SNAP! A REAL TIGER!

16 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:

In case you can't tell from the picture, that's Greg with a fly's body. Or perhaps a fly with Greg's head.

FINAL THOUGHT:

Wait a minute...

It's a trap!!!

COMING SOON!

"Skinnamarinky dinky dink, Skinnamarinky doo, Nemmy luv you!"

Hot Chix with Swordz

2006-11-28T19:56:00.000-05:00

In flagrant defiance of all evidence to the contrary, Ultraviolet is the Greatest Movie EVER.

4 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

Nick Chinlund as Daxus. I love this guy.

8 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

Cameron Bright as Six. Not quite so loveable.

CLOSING THOUGHT!

Come on, Katherine, the movie wasn't THAT bad...

COMING SOON!

Wait...what?

We fight for Love.

2006-11-22T09:50:00.000-05:00

The long-promised Commando podcast is finally here, and Commando is the Greatest GREATEST Movie EVER. Featuring Daryl Surat from AnimeWorldOrder, and Dave and Joel from Fast Karate for the Gentleman, this podcast clocks in at just under forty-six and a half minutes, making it the longest podcast yet. But that's only because it was nigh-impossible to curb Daryl's enthusiasm for Arnold's rippling man-muscles.

Arnold-as-Civilian...

Arnold-as-Commando...

I think I see a pattern here.

7 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:
Double-Billing!
Bill Paxton.

Bill Duke.

30 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Invoking his power as the avatar of Raoh, King of Fists, Daryl lays some nerd-slap down upon the Almighty Gooberzilla. But fear not, intrepid listeners. A later slip involving other popular eighties movies allows me to regain face.

38 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
Why Vernon Wells deserves an Academy Award:

Ah, it's good to be alive.

Mom is Totally Fired.

2006-11-19T09:01:00.000-05:00

Escape from LA is the Greatest Movie EVER, much to the chagrin of Dave and Joel over at Fast Karate for the Gentlemen.

2 Minutes, 4 Seconds In:

The name I was looking for here was "Lee Van Cleef".

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:

Cuervo Jones, the villain of this picture. He's into love and peace.

15 Minutes, 21 Seconds In:

I don't care what Mom says, Pam Grier is all woman. Even when she's technically a man.

17 Minutes, 34 Seconds In:

Mom is totally fired. But fear not, intrepid listeners, she'll certainly be back. Only at greatly reduced pay...

COMING SOON!

"I don't need no gun!"

That's right, folks. Tune in soon to hear the Almighty Gooberzilla, Daryl Surat from AnimeWorldOrder, and the aforementioned Dave and Joel from Fast Karate for the Gentlemen tackle the transcendent glory of the Greatest GREATEST Movie EVER, Commando!

More Cronenberg!

2006-11-11T08:33:00.000-05:00

Spider is the Greatest Movie EVER. Seriously. I'm not being facetious here. It's an awesome film.

0 Minutes, 47 Seconds In:

Ralph Fiennes as Dennis "Spider" Kleg.
It's spelled "Ralph". It's pronounced "Ray". DOES NOT COMPUTE...

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:

John Neville as Terrence. He's a sad puppy.

8 Minutes, 20 Seconds In:

Gabriel Byrne giving the look of death. I'm glad he's not my dad.

12 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Miranda Richardson nice...

...Miranda Richardson naughty.

16 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

We take a cheap-shot at Christopher Lloyd.

Until next time, we out! PEACE!

I lied.

2006-11-08T13:32:00.000-05:00

Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond even my Mighty control, the Highlander 2: Renegade Version Podcast is hereby postponed until further notice. A multitude of factors went into making this decision, not the least of which: a broken Netflix DVD and various computer hiccups. I also moved into my new apartment (aka "The Pimp Krib") this week, which is why this podcast is a wee bit late. I am now officially small pimpin'. One day I hope to graduate to medium pimpin', or -- dare I to dream? -- big pimpin'.

Anyway...

The Punisher (1989) is the Greatest Movie EVER.

9 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

The Punisher loves kids.

However...

Kids do not love the Punisher.

15 Minutes In:

WTF?

CLOSING THOUGHT:

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Tonka's newest line of remote control trucks...

Now with 30% More Hungarian MIAK.

2006-10-29T15:43:00.000-05:00

Ernest Scared Stupid is undeniably the Greatest Movie EVER.
It's funny. And it's frightening, too.

O Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

Eartha Kitt is frightening. She looks like Dahlia from Silent Hill.

1 Minute, 30 Seconds In:

I don't care what Hollywood says, this troll is both scary and frightening.

2 Minutes, 56 Seconds In:

See? Even Ernest is frightening.

3 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

These are the frightening bullies. They're frightening.
Okay, they're not really frightening, but one's got a mullet and the other's carrying an invisible shot-gun. Would you really want to mess with them?

12 Minutes, 1 Second In:

When Trantor the Troll goes all Super-Shredder on us, he's not just frightening. He's terrifying.

And speaking of terrifying...

COMING SOON!

That's right, Dave Riley. I went there...

More fun than a Nuclear-powered Ox-Cart...

2006-10-25T11:50:00.000-04:00

Stealth, like Reign of Fire, is the Greatest Worst Movie EVER. (Not great enough to be Greatest, not worse enough to be Worst.)

1 Minutes, 4 Seconds In:

EDI, the star of this picture. If I were in charge, I would design all of my robot-pilot AIs with friendly, soothing green LEDs, rather than the angry, rebellious red ones.

10 Minutes, 23 Seconds In:

(...I'm sorry, was I supposed to write a comment here? I got a little...distracted...)

11 Minutes, 38 Seconds In:

OX-CART NUKES OMG!

21 Minutes, 6 Seconds In:

Ganesh, the Remover of Obstacles.

COMING SOON!

Just in time for the holidays, the most horrifying film to hit the screen!

AOL Conquers Mars.

2006-10-18T09:42:00.000-04:00

DOOM is the Greatest Movie EVER. No, really. I'm serious. Stop laughing.

1 Minute, 34 Seconds In:

Karl Urban. He's angsty and complicated, ladies.

14 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

The tragedy of TPTBS (Too Pretty To Be a Scientist) Syndrome.

23 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Forget Chekhov's gun. This movie has Chekhov's BFG.

Final Thought:

"Hey! I am the star of this picture!"

BLIMP FIGHT!

2006-10-11T11:34:00.000-04:00

The Rocketeer is the Greatest Movie EVER.

Rocket-man, burnin' out his fuse, up here, alone!

2 Minutes, 56 Seconds In:

Jennifer Connelly is one classy dame.

7 Minutes, 23 Seconds In:

Lothar is refined, but not exactly classy.

19 Minutes, 21 Seconds In:

It's patriotic, y'all.

CLOSING THOUGHT!

Clowns should not fly airplanes.

Ryuhei Kitamura, Little Debbie, and a Taste of Doppelganger

2006-10-07T19:28:00.000-04:00

Despite pre-emptive protests by Daryl Surat from AnimeWorldOrder, Godzilla: Final Wars is the Worst Movie EVER.

Fair Warning:

You will need these if you wish to survive Godzilla: Final Wars.

2 Minutes, 24 Seconds In:

Ummm... I think I've seen this scene somewhere before?

5 Minutes, 58 Seconds In:

Josef Stalin saves the Universe!

14 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Minya-Jesus.

16 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

I don't know what he's laughing about...
The Fashion-Police are about to serve an arrest warrant.

20 Minutes, 6 Seconds In - 21 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Despite Mom's heartiest efforts to stop the downward spiral into madness, the Almighty Gooberzilla loses his frickin' mind.

Oh yeah, and apparently Godzilla's in this movie, too.

COMING SOON!

"I belieeeeeeeeeve I can flyyyyyyyyyyy..."

An Africa without Elvira (or Harrison Ford)

2006-10-03T11:16:00.000-04:00

Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold is the Worst Movie EVER. But even so, I still love you, Golan-Globus! Come back to me; all is forgiven!

2 Minutes, 1 Second In:

Mom punks me out with the promise of home-baked goodness.

4 Minutes, 7 Seconds In and 10 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

Shenanigans are called on Indiana Jones and J.R.R. Tolkien, respectively.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Henry Silva as Agon. This guy loves his job.

18 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

Sharon Stone channeling Kate Capshaw. Yeah, she's like this the whole movie.

And finally:

James Earl Jones as Umslopogaas. We suspect he's actually Stromnir the Mighty's brother by another mother.

That's it for now. Until next time. PEACE!

Head-butting and Hoover-like Anatomy.

2006-09-27T10:55:00.000-04:00

Shaolin Executioners is the Greatest Movie EVER.

Fair warning, when I mixed this episode on my laptop, the voice levels sounded fine. But when I exported the file to other computers, for some reason Hollywood sounds a lot louder than me. I apologize for that. Next time we'll take away his bull-horn, I promise.

I also apologize for the grainy nature of the following screen-caps. Unfortunately, the capture software refused to play the HK bootleg version of the film, so to capture these frames I had to fall back on the OOP Ground Zero legitimate American release, which unfortunately looks like a tenth-generation VHS transfer. Condolences.

3 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

VACUU-CROTCH! OH SNAP!

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Li Li Li (aka Lilly Li) as "Crane Girl". She's a cutie.

6 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

It's a good thing I blocked that strike with my face...

9 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

TIGER-STYLE!!!

16 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

KUNG FU PIGGY-BACK!

COMING SOON!

Eat your heart out, Indiana Jones.

Smart Sharks with no Self-Esteem.

2006-09-23T09:52:00.000-04:00

Deep Blue Sea is the Greatest Movie EVER.
Because those sharks are smart, you see.

1 Minute, 25 Seconds In:

LL Cool J. You better recognize, yo.

9 Minutes, 58 Second In - 10 Minutes, 43 Seconds In:

If you think you're having a bad day...

...trying being used as a Shark-O-Ram(TM).

14 Minutes, 17 Seconds In:

Forget Snakes on a Plane. This movie has Sharks on a Motivational Speaker.

"Huh?"

"Judging from the concerned expression on your face in combination with the frantic hand gesture, I believe you are meaning to imply that there is something behind me. Very well, I will calmly turn around and inspect the situation..."

"OH SNAP!"

COMING SOON!

Sean and I delve into the world of Hung Hsi-Kuan, aka Executioners from Shaolin, aka Shaolin Executioners, in order to see if everybody really was kung fu fightin'.

Deep, Deep Symbolism.

2006-09-19T12:23:00.000-04:00

Zardoz is the Greatest Movie EVER. Or possibly the Worst. It's the cinematic equivalent of being hit in the brain with a slice of lemon wrapped in a solid gold brick.

4 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

ZARDOZ!

12 Minutes, 22 Seconds - 13 Minutes, 55 Seconds In:

Gooberzilla calls shenanigans on Hideaki Anno.

14 Minutes, 3 Seconds In:

He really does look like Paul McCartney.

14 Minutes, 54 Seconds In:

Pyramid-trap! OH SNAP!

17 Minutes, 11 Seconds In:

Boned.

Closing thought:

At least Zardoz was politically progressive, huh?

Next episode is Deep Blue Sea, I promise!

Gettin' Freaky-freaky.

2006-09-15T08:32:00.000-04:00

It's another week of Law & Order: SVU references and gettin' our freak on here at the Greatest Movie EVER podcast. And Silent Hill is the Greatest Movie EVER. This episode marks the inaugural broadcast of co-host Sean "Hardcore / Hollywood" Hunting. Feel free to check out his live-journal in the Links section.

2 Minutes, 22 Second In:
The Mark Dacascos Official Web Site.
The Actor...The Martial Artist...The Man...The LEGEND!

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

I don't care what Hollywood says, Dahlia is a little hottie.

12 Minutes, 40 Seconds In:

Pyramid Head is gonna get you!

14 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

The Nurses.

Awwww, aren't they cute?

Okay, okay. All of this stuff is pretty disturbing. I think we need to tone it down just a little bit...

Who wants a hug?

When all else fails, Recycle!

2006-09-11T10:11:00.000-04:00

Underworld: Evolution is the Worst Movie EVER. It's even worse than the original Underworld, which was also the Worst Movie EVER. So it's the worst of the worst. Not to be confused with the worst of the wurst, because even bad wurst is good wurst.

In all honesty, this episode was recorded quite some time ago. I was saving it for a rainy day, and since I spent this last weekend traveling to Miami and back to help my good friend Eddy prepare for Carousel, I've been too swamped to record another podcast. But fear not, intrepid listeners, we have more good stuff coming down the pipe in the near future!

Being a brief illustration of what werewolves should look like:

This is the "Crinos" form,
as per Werewolf: The Apocalypse from White Wolf Games.

This is what the werewolves in Underworld: Evolution resemble.

`Nuff said.

DanananananananananaBATMAN!

2006-09-03T15:47:00.000-04:00

Without a doubt, Batman: The Movie is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Static screen-caps of some scenes cannot do them the proper justice, so I've included a few links to animated GIFs hosted by external sources. I hope that's okay; I wouldn't want the Evil Spectre of Leeched Bandwidth to seek vengeance upon me and tear my face off while I sleep...

3 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
SHARK ATTACK!

8 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:
The Rogues Gallery of Villains

With friends like these...

11 Minutes, 53 Seconds In:

I don't think this one even needs a humorous caption...

16 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Bruce gets his mack on.

15 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

I love how Batman looks all cool and confident while running,
and poor Robin looks like he's about to die...

17 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:
The infamous Bomb Scene.

COMING SOON!

Somebody get the Bat Shark-Repellent!

The Crushing Pressure of Mediocrity...

2006-08-29T09:57:00.000-04:00

The Core is the Worst Movie EVER. We blame Daryl Surat over at AnimeWorldOrder for inflicting this cinematic atrocity on our psyches, and we swear upon the ghost of M.D. Geist and the ruins of the Brain Palace that vengeance shall be ours. Well, not really...we still love you, Daryl, in a completely heterosexual and non-threatening way.

Also, new installations in the Appatosaurus Preserve now allow us to record and publish an episode across vast gulfs of time, space, and probability without sounding like we're shouting from inside a tin out-house. (Translation: We got some new software; the podcast should sound better than before.)

3 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:

D.J. Qualls surrenders. We do, too.

10 Minutes, 26 Seconds In:

It's just a little scratch. He could be okay...

Ummm...

...maybe not.

16 Minutes, 4 Seconds - 16 Minutes, 36 Seconds In:

Bishopcruz loses his frickin' mind.

18 Minutes, 21 Seconds In:

ZEUS HATES ROME!!!

21 Minutes, 0 Seconds In - 21 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

Invoking the Avatar of Warwick Davis, the Almighty Gooberzilla calls Supreme Shenanigans(TM).

NEW FEATURE! COMING SOON! A taste of what's in store in the next Greatest Movie EVER Podcast.

Somebody set us up the bomb.

Cheers, mate.

Angry Alien Ghosts, American Idol, and Alice Cooper

2006-08-25T11:34:00.000-04:00

Ghosts of Mars is the Greatest Movie EVER! And don't let any Closet Dino-sympathizers tell you differently. (^_~)

3 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:
Ice Cube, Master thespian! Witness his staggering range of emotions:
Angry.

Miffed.

Irritated.

11 Minutes, 41 Seconds In:

Natasha Henstridge at her finest.

14 Minutes, 30 Seconds In:

Big Daddy Manson -- er, I mean, "Mars".

Big Daddy Mars has got the public speaking skillz.

18 Minutes, 31 Seconds In:

Tetsujin 28, aka Gigantor. Recognize!

7 Dollars of Pure Cinematic Pain!

2006-08-22T13:09:00.000-04:00

Dungeons & Dragons is the Worst Movie EVER. (Although the `80s cartoon was pretty cool.)

2 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:

Sure, she's hot and the steel bustier is downright sexy, but what self-respecting elf would wield a crossbow!?!

6 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

Ridley Freeborn shops at Toys-R-Us.

6 Minutes, 33 Seconds In:

WTF?

13 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Clear evidence that Dungeons & Dragons is the domain of El Diablo. See Jack Chick's "Dark Dungeons" cartoon to learn how we may combat this insidious plot to ensnare our children.

14 Minutes, 51 Second In:

The universe's only Fat Elf.

16 Minutes, 48 Seconds In:

PURPLE HAZE / UP IN MY BRAIN!

20 Minutes, 49 Seconds In:

Tragedy strikes when the crew members realize the true horror of the Dungeons & Dragons movie...

Dragons: 1 , Stromnir: Zero

2006-08-19T10:27:00.000-04:00

Reign of Fire is the Greatest Worst Movie EVER. Or the Worst Greatest Movie EVER. We're not sure.

It has dragons in it.

No, seriously. They breath fire and everything. And apparently, they wiped out the dinosaurs. All of the ones that weren't safely sequestered in the Appatosaurus Preserve, that is.

15 Minutes, 16 Seconds In:

Getting ready for it...

Yes, folks. They even filmed it from underneath.

GO, STROMNIR, GO!!!

Sadly, shortly after this episode was recorded, the entire dinosaur population of the Appatosaurus Preserve was wiped out by an unknown assailant wielding a giant, freakin' axe. Witnesses report that the assailant was heard shouting: "Yaaar, filthy dragons, taste the wrath of me blade!" The cryptic message "STROMNIR LIVES!" was found painted in dinosaur blood at the scene of the slaughter.

A composite sketch of the assailant, created by police artists.

Cetaceans on the War-Path!

2006-08-17T08:39:00.000-04:00

This week we discover that Orca: The Killer Whale is, in fact, the Greatest Movie EVER.

I apologize for the sound quality on this episode. Apparently, there was a problem with Katherine's microphone (no doubt caused by the jealousy waves she emitted after not getting to sit in the "comfy chair") which I didn't catch until post-production. So if it sounds like Katherine is shouting down a well, just try and pretend that she's trying to communicate with Angel and George down in the Appatosaurus Preserve at the Center of the Earth.

Aw, isn't that cute?

The hero of this picture: Orca, the Killer Whale.

Oh, sure, he looks cute now.
But cross him and he'll eat you and everyone you ever loved...

See what I mean?

15 minutes, 11 Seconds In:

The lonely death of Umilak.

The ice crushes both ways. (SQUISH!)

16 Minutes, 45 Seconds In:

As you can see, our resident Beautiful Marine Biologist Lady is totally into Richard Harris...

...but then again, what lady could resist THIS?

Bonus Content!

2006-08-11T19:18:00.000-04:00

You're in luck! Two podcasts in as many days, featuring my first subterranean adventure with George and Angel as we delve elbow-deep into the soul-staining murk of The Fantastic Four!

No show-notes, though. You're not that lucky.

Logan's Run and Lizard-Brains

2006-08-10T09:45:00.000-04:00

Logan's Run is the Greatest Movie EVER.

3 Minutes, 6 Seconds In:

Now that I think about it, that Carousel crystal looks like a giant Apple Sour Altoid.

See?

Anti-gravity Disco!

6 Minutes, 54 Seconds In:

It's kind of sad when your film's Moses figure is Peter Ustinov as a Crazy Cat Guy.

7 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

Steam Spears! OH SNAP!

8 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:

Box, the Resident Insane Robot.
Why don't they ever invent a robot
that doesn't go haywire and attempt to kill you?
I blame Y2K.

9 Minutes, 18 Seconds In:

This is what the directors were shooting for, visually speaking.

Ironically, my good friend Eddie turns 30 this September.
THERE IS NO SANCTUARY, EDDIE!

Puberty and Vampirism Do Not Mix...

2006-08-04T20:23:00.000-04:00

The Lost Boys is the Greatest Movie EVER. After all, a billion angsty teenagers that shop at Hot Topic can't all be wrong...

9 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

Who could possibly choose between these two, burning hunks of Manhood?

17 Minutes, 14 Seconds In:

When Undeath hands you lemons, make lemon-aide.
(Or blood-aide, if you're a vampire.)

20 Minutes, 2 Seconds In:

Nanook, Mightiest of Vampire-Slayers!

The Dog-tackle(TM).

T-Minus:

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

IGNITION!

Gentlemen, we have Dog-tackle(TM).

Concerning Ugly Puppies and Alternative Life-styles.

2006-07-28T20:39:00.000-04:00

This week, the Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast features Streetfighter:

4 Minutes, 51 Seconds In:

That's one ugly puppy, man. (Courtesy of One Ugly Puppy Productions)

12 Minutes, 22 Seconds In:

These guys are definitely not gay.

Yep...

Definitely NOT Gay.

16 Minutes, 27 Seconds In:

The look on Chun Li's face. (OWNED!)

17 Minutes, 29 Seconds In:

My girl Cammy. (Courtesy of www.cammyfan.com.)

Bold, New Universes of Suck...

2006-07-22T08:36:00.000-04:00

The Chronicles of Riddick podcast is now available for your listening consumption.

4 minutes, 5 Seconds In:
These are the Necron, from Games Workshop's Warhammer 40K:
And these are the Necromonger, from Chronicles of Riddick, yeah:
13 Minutes, 59 Seconds In:
This is what a kama looks like. It is good for dual-wielding.
It is basically a sharpened, farming sickle.
This is Dual-Wieldy Scythe-Guy.
He does not realize that two-handed, double-blade scythes
are not good for dual-wielding.
Isn't life grand?

New Age Propaganda

2006-07-17T10:02:00.000-04:00

This week, Mom and I tackle The Dark Crystal.

3 Minutes, 12 seconds In:

The Skeksis: Guaranteed to Scare Little Children or Your Money Back!

3 Minutes, 47 seconds In:

JERRY GARCIA!?!

7 Minutes, 17 seconds In:

The Garthim, for all your Giant, Marauding Beetle Needs.

17 Minutes, 24 seconds In:

Puppet Nudity! Dear Heavens, think of the Children!

18 Minutes, 4 seconds In:

Too much M-TV, man.

That's it for this week! Visit again next week for more of the Greatest Movie EVER!

Al Gore's Got Nothing on This One...

2006-07-10T20:12:00.000-04:00

This week's episode of The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast features a review of Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster. Yummy-licious. I've also decided to put up a few show notes for your ultimate edification. Enjoy.

8 Minutes, 30 seconds In:

The Lonely Death of a Put-Upon, Japanese, High-Rise Construction Worker.

12 Minutes, 25 seconds In:
FISH-FACE!!!

Not tonight, Dear, I have a Haddock.

That's some bad Acid.

13 Minutes, 44 seconds In:
The Godzilla Rocket(TM).

That's all for now, folks!

Patriotism!

2006-07-04T10:42:00.000-04:00

Today, we celebrate our Independence with a Patriotic Podcast, in which Mom and I review American Ninja. Enjoy.

Attack of the Lichens!

2006-06-29T18:15:00.000-04:00

Another week has gone by, and with it comes another Podcast, featuring a review of the execrable Underworld, a piece of sentient cinematic slime that oozed its way out of the primordial soup and permanently into the consciousness of the Almighty Gooberzilla. Seriously, this film is a sore on my brain. Watch it at your own peril.

So Bad, It will Melt Your Brain.

2006-06-22T22:08:00.000-04:00

Podcast. Reviewed Alien vs. Predator. Barely survived the experience.

Tell my Mom I love her!

Peroxide Sonja?

2006-06-17T21:25:00.000-04:00

The newest episode of the Podcast is up, in which Katherine and I sink our streptococcus-ridden fangs into the rotten corpse of Red Sonja. Listen and enjoy.

I talk 2 animalz, yo.

2006-06-08T22:17:00.000-04:00

It's a sword and sorcery day here at the domain of the Gooberzilla, and the Podcasts section now includes the review of 1982's "The Beastmaster", quite possibly the Greatest Movie EVER.

Little People in Fur Costumes

2006-05-23T10:07:00.001-04:00

The Greatest Move EVER! Podcast now features the second episode, in which Katherine and I review "The Ewok Adventure: Caravan of Courage".

Don't be hatin', Internet-people. Don't be hatin'.

Live from Internet-Land

2006-05-11T10:27:00.000-04:00

The premiere episode of The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast is now online, featuring a review of Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses.

The Madness Commences!

2006-05-05T13:54:00.000-04:00

Normally, I'd view blogging as something of a social stigma, the kind of activity that would get you punched in the arm at recess or picked last at volleyball. But, hey, then I realized, I am that kind of person, so blogging might be right for me.

My goal is to turn this page into my own personal media-factory, and use it to provide movie reviews, short stories, Podcasts, and perhaps the occassional audio drama for good measure. All free of charge, of course. The Internet is rearranging the face of publishing and mass media alike, and now it's my turn to carve out my own little chunk of geek-celebrity.