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FEAR THE GOOBERZILLA! Home of the Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast. And the Worst Movie EVER! Podcast, too. A blog devoted to reviewing only the finest films ever made. And robots. Lots of robots. Robot alligators from Jupiter, bent on enslaving the human race and forcing us to service their fiendish, cybernetic dentures, since they themselves have lost this wondrous technology... Also, various and sundry shenanigans.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Head-butting and Hoover-like Anatomy.

Shaolin Executioners is the Greatest Movie EVER.

Fair warning, when I mixed this episode on my laptop, the voice levels sounded fine. But when I exported the file to other computers, for some reason Hollywood sounds a lot louder than me. I apologize for that. Next time we'll take away his bull-horn, I promise.

I also apologize for the grainy nature of the following screen-caps. Unfortunately, the capture software refused to play the HK bootleg version of the film, so to capture these frames I had to fall back on the OOP Ground Zero legitimate American release, which unfortunately looks like a tenth-generation VHS transfer. Condolences.


3 Minutes, 15 Seconds In:

VACUU-CROTCH! OH SNAP!

5 Minutes, 0 Seconds In:

Li Li Li (aka Lilly Li) as "Crane Girl". She's a cutie.

6 Minutes, 28 Seconds In:

It's a good thing I blocked that strike with my face...

9 Minutes, 5 Seconds In:

TIGER-STYLE!!!

16 Minutes, 37 Seconds In:

KUNG FU PIGGY-BACK!

COMING SOON!

Eat your heart out, Indiana Jones.

4 Comments:

At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Niku said...

RE: the bastardization of HK flicks, I'm fairly sure that the reason anime companies cater to the whims of the fire and pitchfork mobs is because without those fire and pitchfork mobs they'd have no companies.

Hollywood, on the other hand, can afford to laugh it off and resume swimming in their various and sundry money bins to the latest phat beats from Ja Rule.

 
At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Daryl Surat said...

Given the extremely low amount of shelf space dedicated to this stuff at brick-and-mortar stores, I have to imagine that the audience for kung fu movies is really small. But despite this, the companies releasing the stuff still don't cater to the aforementioned "fire and pitchfork" crowd, so they're extremely small time. Where are my goddamn Region 1 releases of the Celestial remastered Shaw Brothers films, huh?!

I always preferred the remake (sequel?) Fists of the White Lotus over Executioners from Shaolin. Not only does it have the Exploding Palm Technique from Kill Bill (only it's seven steps instead of five), it stars my all-time favorite kungfu actor Gordon Liu throughout the picture. Still, I don't quite think it's the Greatest Movie EVER. That honor goes to Heroes of the East aka Shaolin Challenges Ninja.

I say this as someone who not only forgives John Woo for Windtalkers, but saw Windtalkers in the theater. And owns the 3-disc version of it. I will never forget the heartfelt lesson it taught me: never ever try to fireman's carry the wounded off the battlefield, or else you'll get shot too.

My Windtalkers DVD was scratched when I got it and would stop playing when they did the "pretend to be a Japanese soldier" part, so I tried doing the "use toothpaste on the bottom because it's a mild adhesive!" trick that I read on the Internet. It only sort of worked, but now the bottom looks really awful. I should send it back to MGM for a replacement so I can forever relish in the glory of Nicholas Cage killing an entire island with one gun while looking CRAZY. And of course, that one stock film shot of the battleship firing.

I do not, however, own Paycheck.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Gooberzilla said...

I think you meant to say "mild abrasive". A mild adhesive would cause your Windtalkers disc to stick to your DVD player, rendering you unable to enjoy further John Woo historical epics.

As for the treatment of HK and other Asian martial arts films on DVD in America, I just don't get it. I would think that martial arts films have a much greater market and public consciousness penetration that anime films. Stop ten people on the street and ask them in they could name a famous anime celebrity, I doubt you'd get an answer. But do the same thing with names like Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and even Jet Li and I'll bet you score pretty universal recognition. Martial arts films still see the occassional wide-spread, big budget release. Hell, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Subplot even garnered Oscar recognition, albeit I detest that movie.

So why don't we see better products in the American market? Is it because American companies can't compete with HK bootlegs?

As for Paycheck, well...what can I say? I want to give Ben Affleck the benefit of the doubt, and I like stories by Philip K. Dick, and I don't mind the occassional John Woo pic, but that movie was just disaster-iffic. I might end up Mom-casting it on the Worst Movie EVER sometime. I seem to recall that she actually liked it.

 
At 12:25 PM, Anonymous James Leung Man-Fai said...

Historically, the Shaolin temple has been destroyed several times. Most HK kung-fu movies focus on the purge during the last imperial (Qing) dynasty. This was significant because the shaolin masters were forced out of the temple, and they had to hide among commoners. This lead to the establishment of underground academies of Kung-fu. These are the precursors of the modern Kung-fu schools. Hung gar school of kung-fu was developed through the red boat communities. White Brow and Wing Chun kung-fu developed in the restaurant schools. They all had elements of anti-Qing rebellion.

Since the fall of the Qing dynasty, the shaolin temple was purged again under the Communist in the Cultural Revolution. This is referenced very little in kung-fu films.

I think the best kung-fu movie is Broken Oath. A close second is The Blade or Duel to Death. Zu gets honorable mention.

I think Biao Yuen is the best kung-fu fight man on camera.

PS: I find the best abrasive for scratched DVDs is Brasso. It will strip it. Don't leave it on too long though.

 

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